Past

Past

This is part of something i wrote for a Malayalam magazine for their special issue 'on Psychology'.
[..... At the age of 18-19 i was shocked by a realization that all family and personal relationships are just illusions .....based on images we create for our convenience. This lead me to a sort of distrust and to the concept of Sanyasa .University, carrier etc was dropped and i went more and more into Bagavad Geetha, Upanishads, Rama Krishna, Ramana Maharshi, Buddhism., Bible,Yoga, meditation, suppression, denial of senses,solitude.....preparation for renunciation. An attempt to put into practice 'Geeta Govindam' a work of the famous Hindu Scholar Sankara was disastrous. Reciting and affirming the boobs and belly of a women is just flesh and....and this lead to a state where i cannot approach a women mentally or physically. And the nature wakes up suddenly ...and conflict, controlling, fall, guilt.
Even in that desert of the mind where there is nothing to expect, the memory of those beautiful evenings still haunts . Beauty that unfolds when there is really nothing to long for.
With the dusk a sort of numbness enters and the fear of unfathomable. The infinite space- time, millions of stars, light, darkness, death, fear of non-being, fear of life, fear of madness...nightmares, waking from one dream into another dream and its recurring. Then again Bible ,Geetha, recitation of Keerthana, fantasies, fall, conflicts, sleeplessness, nervousness,horror of life. A night was like an eternity.
Krishnamurti Teachings came to me at that time, when i was even unable to cross a road by myself or talk to a stranger. It was like a downpour of blessing. I just finished reading Siddhartha, and i felt the core of Buddha's teaching & Vedanta in K's teaching.
Till that time everything that is false has to be conquered and it was all struggles and conflicts. With K, all struggle is just a continuation of' that which is' and austerity of the mind is just self-centeredness. This approach brought tremendous relief and freedom and i found me more cool with myself.
Fear normally get multiplied. Fear of fear. It is nourished and sustained by thought- by our effort to be free. But when i was waiting for it , to see its petals unfold it disappeared. And i was finding me again in the waters of life... of course a bit.. .]